On Approaching

So you wanna go out there and start chatting up guys & girls to get some practice. Whether you have your inner game ducks in a row or not is not that important; the important thing is that you're trying to better yourself. You want to approach like a machine, do it often and do it with purpose.

It's like driving, you can read about it all day long but until you actually go out there and practice, you'll suck at it.

How can you, with all the advantages of modern Western civilization, not even go out there and approach people? You are not dying of disease, you are educated and have a social and family network. You can eat anything at any time, you can buy clothes that don't even serve to protect you (think survival in the Serengeti desert 40,000 years ago). You have a HUGE advantage over your ancestors, and they obviously didn't have a problem on the approach so why should you?

Let's look at a few pointers....

• 'There is a mutual understanding that she doesn't want me to approach her' I guess we've all been there: you look at a girl, she looks at you and you get that feel that she doesn't want you to come up to her. What's wrong with that picture? EVERYTHING! First of all, none of us are mind-readers, so don't succumb to your own excuses (if she rejects you, that's another topic). Second, women *love* the attention that guys give them. Sure, sometimes they get a little annoyed by it, but it also validates them. Everyone wants to be loved and adored. Lastly, don't use that magnificent brain of yours to block your way, use it to make a path! What I mean by that, use your mind for positive affirmations, not negatives ones.
• You can't lose what you don't have. Don't think she'll rob you of your face or self esteem if she blows you off. She doesn't know you! The only reason she gets away with taking that from you is because you let her. Make the approach about you, not her, and you will always come out on top, no matter what the outcome is.
• It doesn't have to be a great line, it just takes the courage to deliver it. A woman will give you credit for just making the approach. It's intimidating, we all know it. Women know it too! Imagine you walk up to a table with a bunch of beautiful women and you start talking to them. Even if the girls blow you off, they will respect you for coming up to them.
• Using simplicity and charm can be very effective for disarming her and giving her comfort. Don't worry so much about some elaborate story or opener, just get in there and lay on the charm. The so-called smooth talkers and naturals just have that flow that us regular guys are trying to learn. With enough practice and ingraining it into your head, it will become second nature!
• You walk in with nothing. Even if you walk out with nothing you will have gained experience. Nuff said.
• Just because she's with a guy doesn't mean it's her boyfriend. Watch their body language...if they're standing there, laughing, being playful/physical, chances are it's not her boyfriend. More likely a coworker or that 'nice guy' that's there just to appease her (do not EVER fall into that trap! You're much better than that!). And hell, even if it is her boyfriend, doesn't mean that they don't have other friends....and things can change over time ;)
• Nothing matters except for the present. Do not get caught up in the rejections of the past or the mental defeat of the future. THIS moment is the only one that matters. This is where alcohol gives you that liquid courage, when you're buzzed or drunk the only thing that matters is the now. Create that environment for yourself without the help of booze.

So, now that you have a better understanding of what's important and what's not, let's move on to actual openers (or pick-up lines as some people call them, although you'll see that's almost an oxymoron), which I will cover in my next post.

Growing Confidence

I'm sure you've heard girls say, "He just needs to be confident" or "Confidence is sexy". If you have to ask yourself if you're that confident guy, chances are you're not. So what do you do? You don't just take a magic confidence pill and bam! you're confident...no it doesn't work like that. What you can do, however, is learn about what it means to be confident and adopt it into your life style.

So what does it mean to be confident? Let's look at some characteristics of the perfectly confident man:

• He is unaffected by the outcome. Whether a situation (esp approaching girls) has a favorable ending or not, it does not affect you. Not in the slightest!
• He stays calm in the face of danger & rejection. This ties in with the point above, you always have to keep your cool no matter how shitty the situation is. No one looks up to the person who is losing his marbles or throws hissy-fits.
• He errors on the side of action, not inaction. You will not lie on your death bed regretting the things you did; you will regret the things you didn't do. When you're on the fence about doing something, do it! You will only learn from the outcome.
• He is not afraid of anything. Whether it's dealing with the cops, or approaching the Hooters waitress, or confronting drama, a confident guy is not afraid to get his hands dirty. He is the first to take the blame without being asked.
• He gives honest compliments and comes from a place of equality. You can't the 'that guy' if you continually see people higher or lower than you. We're all human, we all have 24 hours in our day, we all eventually die. Even the drop-dead-gorgeous-perfect-10-model is still a human being.
• It becomes his world because he acts like it already is. This goes back to the 'the world is mine' affirmation. Don't let the world / society dictate who or what you should be. Set your own rules and follow your own ways.
• He is confident because he is competent. If you do something long and often enough, you will become more at ease with it. Any problem or social situation can be dealt with easily once you have the knowledge, experience and tools.
• He moves very little, and every movement is purposeful and calculated. Have you ever noticed that people that need to draw a lot of attention to themselves usually have a lot of movement (most notably, they look around a lot)? Or how about, the low-status guys always have something to say, just for the sake of saying it without adding value to the discussion? Part of being confident is to just let go and not worry about every single little thing.

You can't wake up one morning and be confident. But you can start living a confident life, even if you have to fake it 'till you make it.

On Being the 'Nice Guy'

Hey, take a look at this http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html, if not the whole thing then just read the first 3 paragraphs. Although some of the specifics don't apply, I can relate to this 'nice guy' from when I was in my younger years. I think most guys learning the Renaissance Program were once-upon-a-time that guy....some of us might still be that guy deep down. It's a shitty feeling, and you wonder why the world doesn't give you credit where it's due.

Here's the problem with nice guys...
The nice guy will often have no spine, no confidence, no sense of self. He is a dweeb. He is driven by what society deems right and polite. He will never be angry with a girl out of fear that she may not like his aggressive side...since girls are all sweet and innocent, especially the one he's so desperately trying to get with. She's "special, not like all the other girls." Yea, and he keeps telling himself that. The nice guy is disillusioned with how the world really works.

Here are some facts and observations....

• Women are generally hornier than men and enjoy/want sex even more than we do....they just know how to hide it better because society puts a stigma on sexual women, labeling them as whores, easy, without values or morals
• Women need to feel protected. This is a hard-wired mechanism; 40,000 years ago in the Serengeti desert, she couldn't depend on herself to keep safe. She needed a guy to keep away the big cats and other predators. A nice guy / wussy can't protect her.
• Women enjoy the pursuit of romance and courtship more than we do. If it were up to guys foreplay wouldn't exist, it'd be more like.... she blows you and you fuck her. You come, then roll off her, fart and go to sleep. If it were up to girls, foreplay would last an hour, sex would be "magical" and spooning, cuddling and pillow talk would be mandatory.
• Women like being dominated. She wants a guy who can make decisions for her. Do not EVER ask a woman "ok, what do you want to do". ALWAYS have something planned.
• Women are turned on by leadership & social status. Jane may not be attracted Jake, but she is sure-as-hell attracted to Jake the quarterback.
• Men want beautiful women. Women want men who have beautiful women. This is a pre-selection switch; if a woman sees a guy with a lot of other women around him, she will think that he's got qualities that she might want. Have you ever noticed that women seem more into you when you have a girl friend? When you're married? interesting....
• Women like decisive men; again not exactly a nice guy trait. In the presence of fear, anxiety and chaos, everyone will look to the guy who has his shit together and will 'fix' the problem. Being a decisive man 40,000 years ago translated directly to survival.
• Women will align themselves with men that show these qualities. The only reason a 'nice guy' will have women in his life is because they know that he will listen to their problems. He's like a good girl friend, but without the drama and make-up. Trust me guys, a girl does *not* want to give up her free psychiatrist...hence she will put you in the "let's just be friends" or "You're like a brother to me" zone.

Long story short, the cure to being the nice guy is to grow confidence and become more of MAN. Exactly where to start on that is something I'll cover in my next post.

Positive Affirmations

here's a quick lesson on positive affirmations... these are little sayings or mottos you can live by or repeat in your head over and over. sounds silly, yes, but over time you'll start adopting these mindsets into your daily life and you will notice change. you'll have straighter posture, more confident tone and body language, you will ooze authority, you will shit diamonds. ok, that last one was a little much, but i guarantee you the other ones will happen! ok, here we go...

• "I am indifferent to the outcome" This is VERY powerful. Women and men will realize that nothing will faze you because you embody action, not reaction. Why? because you're indifferent to the outcome.
• "I live in my reality, I am a cause in this world" Again, very powerful. Once you adopt this viewpoint, you will grow an aura of natural confidence around you. Women can smell confidence from miles away, so this one will have them eating out of your hand.
• "I think sex is great and I have no hang-ups about it" Women *love* testing guys with sexual comments. She will try to hi-jack the conversation by saying something like 'I give great blow jobs'. any other guy would stutter and go "oh...wow...that's... you're awesome" WRONG! you just failed her shit test. All you have to do is give her a sly smile, look her straight in the eyes and say 'cool' or 'respect' and move on to the next topic. Do not let a woman's sexuality threaten or intimidate you. Ever!
• "I am not needy, I keep my power for me" Everyone knows (and hates) a needy guy/girl. They are the energy vampires. You feel sorry for them because they always come around, hovering around, wanting something, wasting your time. They have no spine on their own and everyone around them ends up using their kindness for their own benefit. No bueno! you do NOT want to be one of those dweebs. Women are repulsed by needy guys; hell, they'll break up with a guy if he starts acting all wussy and needy.
• "I am in control of my emotional self; outside events don't destabilize me" This is a *great* mindset to have, it communicates that you have a very solid and balanced core. You're not one to freak out at the slightest hint of trouble. Where dweebs shy away from confrontation, you take charge and you deal with it, because you are the alpha male. The tribal leader (alpha male) needs to take care and protect the people around and below him.
• "I could but I won't" This will get them every time. Have you ever wanted to text or call a girl right after meeting her? Or do stuff for her just because she asked you to? Or work late because you think it'll make your boss happy? With this mindset, you will delay your gratification and people will notice it. You are not a 'yes' man, you live in a life of abundance and you don't have time for everyone's pettiness.

Use one, use them all, it doesn't really matter. Point is that these affirmations are supposed to enrich your life. Rob has one that I particularly like, he told me his motto is "Make moves." How much simpler can it get than that? Before the approach, I like telling myself "I can do no wrong" and it works! Pick one that you like and rehearse it in your mind over and over until it clicks.

(Credit to David DeAngelo for his previous work on this)

Teasing

As I'm sure you have noticed when doing your own approaches, there comes a time in the conversation where everything just comes to a halt. Whether you're done talking or she has nothing to say, doesn't really matter. What does matter though, if she feels bored she will walk away and it's your fault. Yes, yours. You are the man in the interaction, you need to lead the conversation. If she's not interested by what you have to say, you have lost the set.

To combat that, here's a small section of mid-game; specifically when it comes to teasing her... it will keep the energy up and the sexual tension charged. Teasing and challenging her will make you more socially dominant in the interaction. All these things need to be done in a PLAYFUL manner. Don't be overly serious or she'll start feeling uncomfortable.
Pick up something small (like a straw from the bar, a napkin, etc) and swat her with it. This works well when she did something stupid/silly

• Let something distract you every so often. While she's talking to you, let your eyes drift past her face to something behind her. Make her work for your attention. (Use this in moderation)
• Give her a cute nickname that's relevant to what she is/does, for example Dog Mommy, Coffee Goddess, Disney Princess, sparky, etc
• If she does something silly or doesn't play along (like you asked her to get you a lemon from the bar and she dropped it), be almost-too-serious and say, "I cannot believe you just did that. That's it, we're done."
• Mis-interpret things she does as being too needy and wanting attention, "You're moving a little too fast for me"
• If she gets sassy, tell her "You know, you're kinda cute and I'm almost starting to like you.... but you're really messing up your chances with me" (notice the weasel words here, *kinda* cute, *almost* starting to like you, etc)
• Treat her like your bratty little sister. Roll your eyes at her and push her away (gently) and say, "I can't deal with this, you need to go away"
• Find some random-looking dude that obviously has no idea about girls and go, "that guy right there looks perfect for you. Want me to go grab him?"

Hope this will help you guys out in the field :)

Today's Meeting - August 18

Good times, we've shared a *lot* of material tonight. Our set goals are to get everyone up to speed on the first few stages of the attraction process. There is much work to be done, but we have a solid group of guys with a combined knowledge that should cover every aspect of 'game'.

Many thanks to Ryan for letting us use his pad and his equipment, many thanks to Charles for taking lead on the presentation.

Getting into a Talkative State

Getting into that initial talkative state can take either 2 seconds or 2 hours... it seems like once you get into your head it quickly turns into a downward spiral. If that first approach doesn't happen quickly, you'll start suffering from 'analysis paralysis' where nothing seems to work cuz your mind will come up with a-million-and-one reasons why your approach will crash (she's too beautiful, there are guys with her, she's closed off, she's busy, she doesn't want me to go up to her, etc). So, I've come up with a couple'a crutches that have helped me in the past....

• Get warmed up. Call a good buddy on your cell and bullshit with them about anything and nothing. Go into an adjacent bar and chat up 2 or 3 random sets, just to get talkative. Don't worry about closing, just get those lips moving and energy flowing.
• Go into the approach expecting to fail. Weird concept I know, but go into it with a mindset of "I'm gonna fuck this up and I'm gonna enjoy it". If you do botch the approach, no biggie. If you nail it, you'll be like "holy shit, i didn't expect that"
• (my personal favorite) Tell yourself "I cannot fail" and keep that mental state as you approach. Your body language and speech will radiate it. How would you move through life if you had knowledge that you absolutely cannot fail at anything you do?
• Pretend the entire club/bar is a movie set, you're the star, and your targets are a bunch of actors. They're expecting you.
• Pretend it's all a dream. Have you ever had a dream where you knew you were dreaming? (It's called lucid dreaming) It's a fucked-up feeling isn't it? Take that same attitude when you approach. It's all a dream, and you'll wake up in the next hour, so who cares how big of a fool you made of yourself.
• Tell your wing, "ok, pick a set for me and *dare* me to approach".... being a good wing he will do it, and all pressure is taken off your shoulders. After all, you're the approach because of a dare....
• Pretend you have a squad of beautiful college cheerleaders standing 10 feet away from you, cheering on your every move. Look over to them, mentally letting them know you're about to approach. Envision them cheering you on, "G-O! We love you!!!! You go this stud!!!"

Remember, most of these are crutches, but will help you get over that approach anxiety. Once you're in the set, the approach anxiety goes away. It's like the gym, you may dread going there but once you're in the car driving you've already made up your mind and it's too late to pull out now.